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Malcolm yawned as he walked into the kitchen of his family’s rental.
Serenity scowled at him. “Could you have slept any longer?”
“Yes.” Malcolm smiled sheepishly.
Serenity looked skywards. “Wake up. Mom and Dad are still shopping. I think maybe this is a good time to see if this Eta and V8 thing is for real.”
Malcolm woke up some more. “Really? You mean call for them, here, now? In the kitchen?”
“I mean wish for them, and see if we were just imagining things…” Serenity’s eyes twinkled yet again, something they had been doing a lot in the past 24 hours. “…or if this is for real. What do you think?” She pointed to the chocolate chip cookies on the plate.
How to bait an alien trap
“Brilliant!” Malcolm’s stomach growled. “Even more brilliant if you had more…”
Serenity took a deep breath. “Ready?”
Mal nodded. They both closed their eyes, and made the same wish they made when they first laid eyes on the Eta Carinae star.
This time there was no maelstrom, no thunderous CRACK! Just a vaguely uneasy feeling accompanied by a swift spinning sensation, followed by a brief instance of darkness. Then, as soon as one could say “Casimir Effect” (try it; if you practice a lot, you can say it quite quickly), the darkness receded.
The Johnson duo, as they had been doing often since yesterday evening, jumped.
“Hey, nice kitchen!” Eta beamed as he slowly turned around.
V8 licked his lips. “Are those…more cookies?”
“Mrrrrrrow!” said Monopoly.
Serenity was looking all around. “You guys can just appear, like that, in our kitchen? Where’s your spaceship?”
V8 inched towards the cookies. “Oh, it’s here, all around you and us.” He reached for the stack of cookies. “We’ve got it set on transparent.”
Serenity smacked his hand. “Not so fast. Have you finished your review of the collective scientific knowledge of humankind?”
“MmmmHmmm,” acknowledged Eta. “Not bad, but man…y’all got a lot still to learn.”
“Y’all?” asked Malcolm.
“Colloquialism!” piped M. Monopole.
Malcolm frowned. “Cats can’t talk.”
V8 inched even closer to the cookies. “She’s not a cat.”
“Anyhow,” Eta interrupted, “we have work to do. Stuff to explain. In simple, easy words that even a Quantum Physicist would understand.”
“Yeah,” said V8, “we’ll try to keep the words to under 6 letters and avoid complex sentences.” The Johnsons looked confused. “You know,” V8 shrugged, “so the physicists can understand.”
“Ah.” The Johnsons nodded.
“Anyway,” Eta interrupted again, “we need a way to disperse information, to tell the world of scientists: ‘It’s okay that you don’t get it, that you’re pretty much ignorant in a cosmological sense, that your advanced degree was out of date the last spin of the Milky Way.’ You know, break it to them kindly.”
“Yeah, the world will love that,” mocked Serenity.
“Oh good!” Eta smiled, “we thought it might be condescending. Anyway, if only there was a way to speak to the world, to have a means, a mechanism, to spread information, so that all can read…”
This worked really well in the 15th century…
Serenity shook her head. “You might want something a bit more modern…”
“I know, I know!” V8 was temporarily distracted from the cookies. “We’ll publish in Life magazine! Everybody reads Life!”
Mal looked at Serenity. “What’s Life Magazine?”
Eta shook his head. “To antiquated. And, they no longer publish, which might hurt outreach.”
V8 pondered. “The National Enquirer?”
“Nah, too technical. We want something your average quantum physicist, astronomer or run-of-the-mill cosmologist would understand.” Eta paused. “Let alone read. How about People Magazine?”
“Yeah! Quantum physicists love looking at paparazzi pictures of celebrities in bikinis!” V8 leaned towards the cookies.
“Woof!” Magnetic Monopole added.
“Guys!” Malcolm waived his arms to get the aliens’ attention. He looked to Serenity, who nodded in approval. “We think we have a better idea. A way to get your thoughts out to everyone all over the world…”.
“Hmmm…” V8 pondered, “what is this ‘Internet’ thing?”
“Yeah, will they send us someplace special to learn about it?”asked Eta.
“Weblog!” piped M&M.
“Um, yeah, score one for the cat,” said Serenity before V8 could interrupt [she’s not a cat!]. “We can just put up a website for you. It can be a blog. You can post stuff to it as often as you like.”
“It’ll be like your own newswire,” Malcolm added.
“Yes, yes,” Eta nodded. “A newswire. On the internet. Like a blog. Postings…yes, yes, I believe this can work.” Eta turned to M. Monopole. “Monopoly, take over the entire Internet, the whole thing. Use the NavComputer…should take you a few minutes…”
“Wait!” Serenity cried. “You can’t take down the entire Internet!”
“Why not?” V8 asked. “It’s not like there’s anything useful on there now…”
“No, no, no…” Malcolm paused. “You only need one domain name, one website. That’ll do just fine.”
The aliens looked at each other and slowly nodded.
“Yes! Yes!” Eta exclaimed. “This way we can shout out to the world…we can tell them all…THE TRUTH WILL FINALLY BE KNOWN!”
Ok, maybe not quite like that.
And thus QuantumSpinDoctors.com was born, with the QSDWire as the official Quantum Spin Doctor wire service. Amazon, Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Twitter, you name it – they were saved by Malcolm and Serenity’s quick thinking.
And all it cost humanity was a stack of chocolate chip cookies.
The QSDWire is THE place to look for the real perspective on everything scientific. Eta and V8 are regular contributors, as are Malcolm and Serenity (under alien direction and review, of course). M. Monopole continues to try to contribute, but Microsoft Office Assistant Clippitkeeps choking on the repetitive meow’s and woof’s.*
* We understand that there is considerable sentiment which genuinely wants Clippit to choke. We make no qualitative comment with regard to the veracity of said “Clippit”. **
** We can neither confirm nor deny the allegation that “Clippit” is an alien who used to hang with Eta and V8. Eta and V8 are way, way too cool to hang with the likes of Clippit. Or at least admit to it. While sober.